SWEENEY TODD: Owner's Guide and Manual
by Frozenonthesea
Summary: Ever wanted your very own SWEENEY TODD unit?. Well you must learn the basics, and, you shall see how you may get a SWEENEY TODD unit. Humor, please read and enjoy!.


**A/N: This was made for pure fun. Also I got the idea from a ATLA fic. The person who wrote it is. Ratraccoon. I don't take credit for the ideas of units. I made these though with my own inspiration. **

**Disclaimer: Ugh...I don't own Sweeney Todd, or any of it's characters.**

**Secondary Notes: I will be taking requests for more units. So feel free to ask.**

We discontinued our BENJAMIN BARKER units. Because of this we ran out of new SWEENEY TODD units several months later so now we only have used SWEENEY TODD units available for sale. This manual is a reprint with answers to questions about used SWEENEY units in general added and information on where your SWEENEY unit came from.

This SWEENEY unit is almost as good as new because the former owner only had a three and a half years of use and the only reason why she returned him was because she was un…err… having mental problems.

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**SWEENEY TODD: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a u… err… certified pre-owned, fully automated SWEENEY unit. To ensure you get the full benefits of your Murderer, Lover, and All Around Mental-Case. Please pay close attention to the following instructions, if you wish to remain fully intact.

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**Basic Information:**

Name: (SWEENEY) TODD (used to be) (BENJAMIN) BARKER

Date of Manufacture: 45 years ago

Place of Manufacture: Unknown

Nationality/Ethnicity: London(unknown weather he really hailed from here or not, it is unclear)

Height: About 6'1"

Weight: Won't allow to be weighed

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**Your SWEENEY unit will come with the following accessories:**

Five (5) Plain black, and, white shirts, with black pants, and, black jacket

One (1) Razor Box(for his friends)

One (1) Barber Chair(for his victims)

Five (5) Razors(His friends)

One (1) Picture of LUCY BARKER unit

One (1) Telescope

One (1) World map

One (1) Gin bottle

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**Programming:**

Your SWEENEY unit is a reasonably versatile unit. With the right coaxing, or threats to take away his friends, or hurt the LUCY BARKER unit, you can get him to perform various tasks.

**WARNING:** Some SWEENEY unit programs are considered illegal operations.

**Murderer:** (Default Program) Oh come on, his honorary title practically gives it away.

**Turpin Tracker: **All SWEENEY units are almost as obsessed with Turpin as ANYTHONY units are and spend many of their waking hours trying to get JOHANNA units.

**WARNING:** SWEENEY units have poor self-control and easily loose track of where their temper lands them.

**Barber: **SWEENEY units, automatically are set to be a barber, but you may turn this setting off... er... at your own risk...

**WARNING:**This program often de-activates accidentally.

**Public Speaker:** All SWEENEY units can easily motivate large crowds of people with their blunt speeches..either that or chase people away with them.

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**Your SWEENEY unit has six (6) settings:**

**WARNING: **SWEENEY units are often unstable and are not user friendly.

**Complete Asshole:** (Default setting) This is the setting that is on 24-7 and can activate many of his undesirable features depending on the current severity of this setting.

**Arrogant:** This setting is on half the time and what makes the complete asshole setting so bad when he is calm.

**Happy:** This is triggered when your SWEENEY unit gets his way or gets the TURPIN unit killed, or kills the TURPIN unit. This is when the complete asshole setting is the least severe.

**Angry:** When things don't go his way or a TURPIN unit interferes with his work.

**WARNING:** Do not let your SWEENEY unit get near his (friends) on this setting.

**Bored/Depressed: **(Default setting) SWEENEY units get bored very easily, and, also are very depressed about LUCY BARKER units.

**WARNING:**If SWEENEY units get to bored or depressed they will go on a random slip-every-ones-throat spree. Or slip their own throat, so watch out. This is the time when most owners of SWEENEY get hurt.

**Crazed:**When his plans go too far he will do some of the most insane things like murdering NELLIE LOVETT units.

**WARNING:** Keep all units away from SWEENEY units while in this state.

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**Relations with other units: **Your SWEENEY unit is certainly not a friendly unit and is compatible with only a few other units.

**TURPIN:**This is the least compatible unit. TURPIN units are the main source of competition for capturing NELLIE LOVETT units, or LUCY BARKER units. TURPIN units will even go so far as to free any captured LUCY BARKER units, or NELLIE LOVETT units from your SWEENEY unit to keep him from being the one that successfully keeps them locked in his hands. We know that if your SWEENEY unit captures any TURPIN units he will enjoy mocking them and will just barely keep any alive. We strongly advise against allowing your SWEENEY unit to fight any TURPIN units because they will purposely piss him off.

**WARNING:** If an TURPIN unit learns from a ANTHONY unit that your SWEENEY unit has no self-control he will end up tricking your SWEENEY unit into accidentally cutting up his things and probably your things as well.

**NELLIE LOVETT: **While these two units are able to have a civilized, and, completely formal conversation with each other SWEENEY units, tend to turn down, or lower NELLIE units, hearts because SWEENEY units are not able to love(unless you change the settings). SWEENEY units consider NELLIE units to be far too in love with them. But in settings this can be by-passed, if you want them to fall in love.

ANTHONY**:**This is the unit that helped every SWEENEY unit out of prison. These two units have since gone their completely separate ways and now hate each other. ANTHONY unit will never get to talk to him at the rigt time about that one day when he stopped SWEENEY unit from cutting TURPIN units throat with his razor. Your SWEENEY unit will find him to be annoying. Interactions will end with a ANTHONY unit getting thrown off a balcony. (Though some people wished it would be the other way around.)

**LUCY BARKER: **This is the only unit SWEENEY unit used to love, besides JOHANNA unit, who fell in love with that two faced backstabbing traitor. SWEENEY units are set to love LUCY units, but this setting can be changed, or by passed.

**WARNING: **Keep LUCY units away from SWEENEY units, if you want NELLIE units, and, SWEENEY units to be in love, if you don't the...er...uh...consequences could be...serve.

**JOHANNA BARKER:**This is SWEENEY units daughter. Keep them apart because, SWEENEY units aren't usually very happy about being near JOHANNA units. Because JOHANNA units are in love with the traitor.

**WARNING:** If you do not heed the warning, you might just regret it. So don't be foolish, keep all SWEENEY units away from JOHANNA units. Dire times call for Dire measures. Killing sprees can happen. I've warned you.

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**Cleaning:**

Your SWEENEY unit is fully capable of cleaning himself. But if you wish to do it yourself do not machine wash, wash only in hot water, do not tumble dry, do not hang on the line to dry. If you hang on line to dry, you'll wish you were dead.

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**Energy:**

Since killing takes up a lot of energy make sure that he is fed two times daily. While he has had to eat prison food for many years he now prefers to eat only the best foods. If he eats at all. Sometimes force feeding is required.

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**Frequently Asked Questions:**

Q: Why is it that whenever my SWEENEY unit either gets near or interacts with people that something really bad happens?

A: This is mainly due to his complete asshole setting, depressed/bored setting, and crazed settings. This is why we discontinued our SWEENEY units to prevent the apocalypse in the first place.

Q: What can I do to keep my SWEENEY unit busy, so he doesn't murder anyone when I'm not around?

A: This is why SWEENEY units come with a world map since they spend hours at a time looking at them. Also get him something to read like "Friendly Bunnies" should keep him busy and out of trouble. However there is no guarantee that this will always work; in fact, it could also make it worse.

Q: Can I still get spare parts and accessories for my SWEENEY unit?

A: Even though we discontinued our SWEENEY units we will still make spare parts and accessories for him until June 23, 2008. After that once we run out of new parts in storage you will have to get used parts that have been cannibalized from other SWEENEY units or get custom-made parts from either us or your nearest auto body shop.

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**Troubleshooting:**

Problem: Your SWEENEY unit's depression/boredom is just getting worse and worse and you think it's time he is cheered up.

Solution: Get a TURPIN unit to come unsuspectingly to him, and, have him fight him, since TURPIN units have fewer years of experience beating your SWEENEY unit will surely humiliate him. You will have to help him get over his massive anger afterwards by giving him a lead on where TURPIN unit is headed (even if it is false).

**WARNING:**Will trigger angry mode.

Problem: Your SWEENEY unit is a hazard and the police department in your area has fined you so many times and they keep getting worse because of repeat offences.

Solution: Move somewhere that has as few hazardous objects as possible. Such as a city full of concrete buildings or the North Pole. Hopefully people and or cute adorable penguins won't get murdered.

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End file.
